I Never Even Told You
by Atsureki
Summary: AyaKen, YojiKen. Aya never even told Ken how he felt and hurt him so much. To stop it all he leaves and hurts him even more. Yoji tries to pick up the pieces but can't and then Aya comes back. Will he have time to say what he never could before?
1. Prologue

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß and the song used here is I Never Even Told You sung by Tia Carrere

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst, song-fic 

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts or lyrics.

****

(Prologue)

__

There was never any mention  
Though it wasn't my intention  
Not to say… not to say  
But my silent desperation  
Couldn't change the situation  
Anyway  
And doesn't it seem strange  
How everything changed?   
I still feel the same…

I never even told you  
I thought you knew  
I never even said a word  
How I felt about you  
I never even told you  
I thought you knew

He had once had it all, he had once lost it all. It just didn't make any sense to him. There had never been any doubts or questions about what they had had together. But he had suffered so much in his silent desperation. Tears that never had been permitted to fall had left his heart heavy and colder than ever before. Why had he missed it so completely? Why hadn't he seen what was about to happen? He didn't know but it was hurting him so much. Although he had suffered he had never thought that the life he took for granted just suddenly could change so much, too much. It would never be the same again and that pained him to no extend. He wanted the past back, he wanted it back so he could change it. With sad eyes he watched the man who had been, and still was, his everything. It was pure torture but he just couldn't keep away. His former lover was smiling just like he always was but the hurt in his eyes he couldn't hide. _I'm sorry Ken,_ he sighed inside, _I'm so sorry._ But his thoughts meant nothing. It was his words that should have been there instead. He felt so ashamed that he had taken Ken for granted, that he hadn't been able to say the things he still wanted to scream out to his former lover. But his time had passed, it was too late now. He had never even told Ken, never said a word about how he felt for him. His love had stayed unspoke and that had eventually driven the brunette away. But he had really thought Ken knew, he had hoped that he had shown his lover how he felt. He had messed up everything and now he would have to live with being without the brunette and live with the hurt and sadness in those chocolate eyes. Aya swallowed back the tears of guilt that threatened to fall from his eyes and walked away. Everything had change but he still felt the same about Ken. He still loved the brunette with all his heart.

__

I had to keep my feelings locked away  
I couldn't whisper  
No, I couldn't say  
Now I know this cost  
Our chances are lost  
Like tears…  
Tears in the rain  
Just washed away…

I never even told you  
I thought you knew  
I never even said a word  
How I felt about you  
I never even told you  
I thought you knew  


Aya strolled down the sidewalk thinking about his former lover. It was because of the cold mask he had been wearing for years now that he had lost Ken. His past had forced him to keep his feelings hidden deep within. With each day he was Aya his feelings slipped further and further away from his reach. That was why he couldn't say, whisper, scream or breathe out that he loved Ken. The price for his lack of ability to express himself had cost so much. It had taken away the love Ken had had for him and replaced it with hurt. Aya shook his head in sadness. It didn't matter that he might be able to say those words now, their chances were lost, gone. Big heavy drops of rain started falling on his head but he didn't really care. He stopped when he reached the park and just stood there in the pouring rain. Safe from curious eyes Aya allowed himself to cry. Each tear that fell was washed away by the water that the sky released. For a brief moment the redhead laughed bitterly. The rain washed away his tears as easlily as his stupidity had washed away their chances to be together. It's hard to accept failure when you have no one else to blame but yourself… And all just because he had assumed that Ken already knew, that the brunette understood how he felt inside. The love in his eyes hadn't been enough and Aya hadn't seen that until it was already too late. Ken thought he had been playing with him, taking advantage of his love and Aya couldn't even defend himself. Why? Because in a way he felt like he had done those thing. It was just that he had never intended for Ken to think that he didn't love him.  
"I never even told you how I feel," the redhead whispered into the rain, his voice thick from crying. "But I thought you knew Ken, I really thought you knew…"

_I never even said  
How I felt about you  
Never said a single word  
Never said, I never said  
How I feel…_

(~TBC?~)

Hrm I'm doing it again *smacks herself* I'm sick and that brings out the angst in me. Oh well I dunno if I'm just going to leave this as a songfic or if I'll turn it into a fic where Aya tries to show Ken how he feels… What do you ppl think??? You want more Atsureki-angst??? Let me know…Ja/Atsureki


	2. Chapter 1 Things Gone Wrong

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst 

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice you hear inside your head sometimes.

Chapter 1. Things Gone Wrong

He smiled, he always smiled, even when his heart threatened to tear him apart, he smiled. Ken closed the door behind him and sank down on the bed. Finally he could drop his mask and let his feelings surface. It was hell on earth to work in the Koneko with Him there. With a shudder the brunette remember how it had used to be, before… before everything started to change. At first he hadn't noticed nor cared but the more time that past by the more it started nagging him in the back of his mind. Doubts started to infect his thoughts until he wasn't sure what to think anymore. With a sufficated sob Ken was pulled back to the night when it had all crumbled down around him.

******flashback******  
He snuggled closer to Aya as his breathing fought to calm down. His skin was covered in a thin film of sweat and his heartbeat was rapid. The redhead he rested against was in the same condition. Ken had never experienced anything like the gentle love-making he had just been a part of. He was happy but still there was one small part of his brain had started questioning how Aya felt about him. His lover had never said that he loved him, not even when Ken had said it to him. The brunette sighed quietly. Why was he thinking thoughts like that? Aya did so much for him. Several times the redhead had recorded soccer-games without being asked, he went out of his way to always cook food that he knew Ken liked, he bought the kind of sports drink the brunette wanted and he rescued him from the crazy school girl in the Koneko. Trivial things perhaps but they meant so much to Ken. And then there was the way Aya made love to him, held him while they slept. Why couldn't he be satisfied with knowing that Aya must have been doing those things because he loved him? Were those three little words really that important? Yes they were. Ken sighed again. The few times he had told the redhead how he felt he had kept his eyes away from those amethyst orbs. He was afraid of what he might see in them, or might not see in them. But he had to put his doubts to rest. Carefully he lifted himself up and rested on his elbow. His brown eyes met Aya's violet.  
"Aya," he mumbled quietly. His lover tilted his head a little.  
"Hai." Ken swallowed. This was hard but he had to find out before the doubts destroyed him.  
"I love you." It was just a little more than a whisper but he knew that the redhead had heard him. Ken was still looking into Aya's eyes and waited for a reaction. The one he got told him all he needed to know. For a brief moment some emotion flashed across the violet gems and then nothing. Aya didn't love him. The brunette shuddered and fought to pull in another breath. How could he have been so wrong? "Why Aya? Why did you lead me on?" He wanted to be angry but it just hurt too much. "You know I love you so why didn't you tell me? How could you take advantage of my feelings like that?" The redhead said nothing, showed nothing. "You're just playing with me and I'm too naïve to understand it," Ken mumbled and moved away from the taller man. Tears had started to fill up his eyes as he grabbed his clothes and headed for the door.  
"Ken…" Aya's voice was hushed and had a strange tone in it but it didn't matter to Ken.  
"I don't understand Aya… why did you do this to me?" he asked without turning around. With tears flowing down his cheeks the brunette left.  
******end flashback******

Ken winced at the familier memory. People say that what you don't know can't hurt you and that's usually true. The brunette hugged himself tightly. He should never had said anything or questioned what Aya felt for him. It would have been so much better to just live in that lie. But he had pushed it and now he was paying for it. Perhaps it would have been easier if he could hate the redhead but it just wasn't possible. Ken loved Aya. Even though that man had crushed his heart, played him for a fool he still loved Aya. Sometimes the redhead looked at him with a strange shadow in his amethyst eyes that Ken couldn't read nor understand. Did Aya have regrets? Second thoughts? The brunette shook his head at his own sillyness but his mind refused to give up hope completely. Maybe there was still a chance? Maybe Aya did love him after all.  
"Baka!" Ken growled to himself. "If he loves you he would have done something when you left that room." Aya had done nothing after that. He stayed clear of Ken the best he could. They rarely spoke and almost never shared the same shift at the shop anymore. But the flickering light of hope refused to die out. He wanted Aya back, if back was the right word to use since he wasn't sure he had ever had Aya in the first place. It just wasn't fair that he didn't know what went on inside that silent man's head. The redhead was extremly good at hiding his feelings, so good that Ken suspected that Aya sometimes managed to hide them even from himself.

Aya watched Ken leave the shop and sighed inside. He was doing the only thing he could think of. Staying away, keeping his distance so that he wouldn't hurt Ken more than he already had. But it felt so wrong and he was so ashamed of himself. Over and over again he repeated the same sentense in his head. _I never even told you._ That night when Ken had waited for a reply, waited to hear Aya tell him that his love was answered the redhead had frozen inside. He had wanted to say those words so badly but they just wouldn't come out and he had already known that he would lose Ken, it had just been a question of when. That had been something he in silence had cried over for some time. When the brunette had headed for the door he had tried to stop him by saying his name. But it hadn't been enough, of course it hadn't been enough. Ken had wanted and he deserved so much more than that. He had tried so hard to show the brunette how he felt but he had failed miserably. He just wasn't good with words and apparently not with showing how he felt either. But a part of him just couldn't understand how he could have failed so badly. Surely Ken must have understood that he felt at least something? Why would he hold onto the brunette so tightly in his sleep otherwise? Why would he seek out his company constantly if he didn't care or love Ken? The redhead rubbed his forehead. He knew the answers and he didn't want to hear them. Ken thought he had been used for sex and perhaps to lift Aya's solitude a little. It couldn't be further from the truth but how was Ken suppose to know that? The redhead flipped the sign from 'Open' to 'Close' and turned off the lights. _Have you just given up?_ a voice asked in his head. _Are you just gonna leave Ken like that? Can you live with that hurt and pain in his beautiful eyes? I don't think so Aya. You'll hate yourself forever if you don't fight for this. Sometimes I just don't understand you and I'm a part of you…_ Aya winced. The voice was right. He already hated himself for what he had done to Ken and no he wouldn't be able to live with seeing that hurt in his eyes. Sighing deeply the redhead left the shop and walked into the kitchen. Their chances might be gone but he would prove to Ken that he loved him, he had to. The question was how?

~TBC~

Due to requests I'm continuing this thing *S* Let's see if we can't get Aya and Ken back together… 

Oh and about the little silly things Aya did for Ken, I can only speak for myself but if someone taped things I wanted to see on TV just out of the blue I would find that extremly sweet and kind, just as the other things he was doing. 

I also want to comment the fact that Ken started doubting Aya's feelings. I know a lot of people who claim that hearing the one you love tell you that they do love you isn't important but I've found that it really is. Words might just be words but can you honestly say that you could feel completely secure in a relationship where those three words never were spoken? I asked myself that and found that I wouldn't… Besides, in my book Ken is a person who believes he doesn't deserve to be happy and he doesn't trust others easily (thanks to Kase no doubts *mutters*) so I do believe he would need to hear Aya tell him how he feels… I'm babbling away here… Gomen gomen… Ja/Atsureki


	3. Chapter 2 Trying To Right Some Of The Wr...

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß and Baby can I hold you belongs to Tracy Chapman!

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst 

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts, lyrics or that little voice you hear inside your head sometimes.

Chapter 2. Trying To Right Some Of The Wrongs

Deep in thoughts Aya paced his room. The first thing he would have to do was stop trying to avoid Ken. Easy enough but how would the brunette react to that? Probably not all to well. But if he was going to show Ken how he really felt he would have to risk that. Aya stopped infront of the window and sighed. He shouldn't be doing this, he shouldn't have to do this at all. His feelings for the brunette should have been perfectly clear from the very beginning. The redhead shook his head and looked out into the darkness. _Hold it right there Fujimiya!_ the familier voice muttered in his head. _I don't believe you sometimes! You're more stubborn than a mule, would you stop hesitating already? If I don't recall this completely wrong you made this mess, ne?_ Aya winced slightly. Yes he sure had created this mess all by himself. _Well then, allow me to use a little saying… You made your bed now lie in it, or even better get the stick out of your ass and remake your bed so that you and Ken can sleep in it together!_ The redhead gritted his teeth. He never had liked that voice much. It was such a smart ass and it was almost always right, which was extremly annoying.  
"Oh shut up!" he muttered out loudly and left the window. The hollow voice seemed to chuckled at him. _I haven't said a thing Ayan, I'm all in your head._ Aya huffed at that. Why the hell did he have to have an inner voice that was so damn… annoying? Determind to ignore the pesky part of his mind the redhead sat down and frowned deeply. What was he to do? Blurting out that he loved Ken was out of the question and not only because he was certain he wouldn't be able to. He wasn't exactly on the brunette's good side which meant that if he did managed to say those three little words Ken would never believe him and most likely just think Aya was trying to play him again. Why was life so damn difficult? The silent man scowled. His problem was like a knife that cuts both ways. On one hand Ken didn't understand how Aya felt because he couldn't tell him and on the other hand those words could just be a lie. They wouldn't be once the redhead managed to get them out but how was Ken suppose to know that? Frustrated he turned on the radio and sighed. There was some sappy love song playing, he recognized it faintly. A little curious he listend more carefully and struggled to understand the lyrics.

__

Forgive me  
Is all that you can't say  
Years gone by and still  
Words don't come easily  
Like forgive me, forgive me

But you can say baby  
Baby can I hold you tonight  
Maybe if I told you the right words  
At the right time you'd be mine

I love you  
Is all that you can't say  
Years gone by and still  
Words don't come easily  
Like I love you, I love you

But you can say baby  
Baby can I hold you tonight  
Maybe if I told you the right words  
At the right time you'd be mine

That last verse is exactly how it is for me, Aya thought. 'I love you' was all he couldn't say but maybe the answer to his problems lied in the chorus? If he asked Ken if he could hold the brunette then maybe, just maybe he would understand? The redhead snorted at his own stupidity. If he said that Ken would just think he needed him to ease his loneliness. _Damn!_ No, that wouldn't work either. Aya was out of ideas but he refused to give up! He would have to start with trying to become friends with the brunette again, he wanted more of course but at least friendship was better than what he had at the moment. Exhausted from his inner turmoil the redhead fell asleep.

Ken dragged himself out of bed with a grunt. He had barely slept at all but he was used to that by now. Since that awful night two months ago he hadn't been able to relax. It just hurt so much and for some reason the pain refused to ease. _That's because I still love him,_ the brunette commented to himself sadly. He really needed to move on, forget, get over, ignore, whatever as long as he got away from being so hung up on Aya. But that was easier said than done since his heart still belonged to the red haired assassin. Sighing deeply Ken left his room and trotted downstairs to get some breakfast. _Look on the bright side Hidaka,_ he huffed as he headed for the kitchen, _at least you have the morning shift with Omi instead of with Him._ That was a good thing at least, or so he thought until he saw the root to all his problems standing by the stove, flipping pancakes. Ken's first instinct was to turn around and run away but Aya was faster. The redhead turned around and his amethyst eyes fell on his former lover. There was something strange in those eyes, some kind of… sadness? Ken frowned slightly.  
"Good morning Ken," Aya said softly. _Huh? _Now he was confused, the redhead usually just ignored him and left.  
"Eh morning," Ken mumbled and headed for the fridge. He opened the door and searched for the milk.  
"It on the table." The brunette winced at the slightly hushed deep smooth voice.  
"Huh?"  
"The milk, it's on the table." _How the hell does he know I was looking for that?_ Ken grabbed a glass and sat down. To his surprise a plate was put infront of him. Without a word Aya returned to the stove and continued cooking. The brunette glanced at him before turning his eyes back to the plate. Aya had made him pancakes? And not just any pancakes but the thick fluffy american ones he loved so much. This was just too weird. Confused Ken started eating. Why was Aya acting like this all of the sudden? A part of the brunette's mind told him that this was the proof he had been hoping for. Surely the silent redhead must care for him if he was cooking for him again? Ken shook his head. The problem had never been that, he had always known that Aya cared for him but he wanted and needed more than that. If Aya didn't give a shit about him he wouldn't have been treating him so good. What if the redhead just acted nice so that he could get Ken back in his bed? _No, Aya isn't like that,_ the brunette muttered to himself. But then wasn't that what his former lover had been doing before? Using him for sex and company? Aya had never denied that he had been playing with Ken but then again he had never said that that was what had happened either. The brunette was so confused and unsure that he didn't know what to think anymore.

~TBC~

Poor Aya doesn't know what to do *hugs Aya* And he's confusing Ken even more. Well at least Aya is doing something ne? Don't give up!! Ja/Atsureki


	4. Chapter 3 Trying To Cry Away The Pain

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst 

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice you hear inside your head sometimes.

Chapter 3. Trying To Cry Away The Pain

Aya glanced at Ken and sighed. He was confusing the burnette even more by his actions and he could only hope that that would change with time. Placing the last pancake on the plate beside the stove Aya turned around and watched his former lover eat. He was so beautiful and still the brunette saw himself as plain, just the avarage boy next door. Ken couldn't be more wrong. There was nothing plain about that soft brown hair, those warm big chocolate eyes and that well-trained, agile body with its sun-kissed skin, no Hidaka Ken was not a plain man by far. But he had so much more than his looks, the brunette was also a wonderful person. Always smiling, even if that smile sometimes wasn't completely real, always loving life even thought it had been all but fair to him. He was kind, loving, caring and sweet. It was true that the brunette was hot-headed, that he could explode into rage, usually during missions, but he almost always had a good reason for it. Ken saw good in everybody or at least fought hard to do so. Aya sighed quietly. His former lover was all the things he wasn't. Was that perhaps the reason why the redhead had fallen so hard for him? He narrowed his amethyst eyes slightly as he pondered over that. The attraction he felt towards Ken was much more than just physical, that was something Aya was sure of, and it was more than just a need to find someone who made up for his own faults. So what was it then? Why did he love Ken so deeply, so completely? He drew blanks every time he tried to find an answer. Fujimiya Ran loved Hidaka Ken simply because he was Ken, it seemed to be a too trivial reason but it was the best Aya could think of. What diffrence did it make anyway? Lost in his thinking the redhead didn't notice that his former lover was staring at him with a small frown. 

__

Why does he keep looking at me like that? Ken asked himself and tilted his head slightly. Aya was obviously lost in thoughts and the callous mask he always wore infront of others had slipped a little. There was something in those violet eyes that the brunette just didn't understand. It looked like longing, sadness and… love. Ken frowned deeper. Love? No, it had to be something else because Aya did not love him. The brunette let out a puff of air and studied his former lover closer. Aya was like a statue, chiseled into perfection by the loving hands of a sculptor who knew his work well. His crimson hair, shiny and soft, framed a beautiful face. And those eyes, inhuman with their rare amethyst color, constrasting against his alabaster skin that smoothly covered the perfect bonestructure. His body tall, slender and yet surprisingly strong with broad shoulders and lithe muscles in all the right places. Aya could be cold, his eyes could look like they were made of ice but he could also be gentle, warm and extremly tender. That was something Ken had learnt by sharing the redhead's bed. When Aya made love there was nothing in those amethyst orbs that reminded the brunette of ice, nothing that suggested that the silent redhead could ever be callous and cold. Ken sighed sadly. He wanted all of that back, he wanted to see Aya's eyes soft and caring again, he wanted to feel the warmth from that slender body pressed against his at night when he was asleep. But he wasn't going to have that again, not unless he was willing to go back to being in a relationship where the love was one-sided. Why couldn't Aya just love him? It was all Ken wanted so it couldn't be too much to ask for, could it? All he wanted was to hear the redhead say those three little words to him so that he could feel complete again. Dishearted the brunette quickly rose and left the kitchen. His eyes were stinging from unshed tears as his inside screamed after Aya's touch. _Stop it, please just stop it,_ Ken begged as he hurried towards his room. _You can't have him Hidaka, he doesn't love you! Why can't you just get that!? Aya used you and still you want him back? Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic…_ As soon as the first tear had managed to make it past the wall the brunette had built up it crumbled around him. He barely made it into his room before he was weeping his heart out. It was just too pathetic that he was crying so hard after someone who had taken advantage of his feelings. _But I love him so much,_ Ken objected inside. _I need him to fill the void in my heart._ He was going to have to calm down! In half an hour he had to open the shop with Omi and if his friend saw the pain in his eyes he would have to answer questions he rather not be confronted with. The other two memebers knew nothing about what had been going on between the brunette and Aya, at least not to Ken's knowledge. Fighting to regain control he sank down on his bed and rubbed his eyes. He had tried to cry away the pain in his heart before and it never worked.

Aya stared after his former lover and frowned sadly. Ken wore masks just like he did but unlike the redhead he couldn't sheild his eyes as well. Those coffee colored orbs had been filled with pain. Aya massaged his forehead with two slender digits and sighed. What kind of man was he? How could he cause Ken so much pain and sadness when he loved him so much? It didn't make any sense and the redhead was going to change that even if it killed him in the process. But before he could go any further he would have to regain their friendship and that was going to be difficult. He would keep on fighting though and if fate was even remotely kind he would have what he desired the most. With a small smile on his lips Aya imagined how it could be. How he and Ken walked in the park, hand in hand, how there were no doubts of how much they loved each other. He would fall asleep every night with the brunette's arms around him, wake up every morning in the same way. Simple things that meant so much would be done without thinking, like curling up on the cough together to watch TV. Aya sighed. Dreaming was fine but reality would be so much sweeter. _Do I still have a chance? Can Ken forgive me for hurting him so much?_ He hoped that the answer to those questions was yes but only time would tell. With another sigh he went to prepare the Koneko for another day. He had switched shifts with Omi the day before so he could work side by side with Ken most of the day.

The shop was quiet and there were no school-girl there. Ken glanced at the redhead who was busy working on an arrangement. Why was Aya there instead of Omi? He was sure he had the morning shift with the small blonde but he was nowhere to be seen. Frowning slightly the brunette finished watering the plants and headed for the back room. He fiddled with some pots in an attempt to be spared from having to face Aya again. It was so hard to be out there alone with the taller man. He stayed in there for a long time not really doing anything at all except hiding.  
"Ken?" The brunette bit his lip.  
"Hai Aya?" He didn't turn around but he could tell that the redhead was close to him. Why hadn't he heard him come in?  
"It's time for lunch," Aya said softly and placed a slender hand on the brunette's shoulder. Ken's whole body screamed at the touch. All he wanted to do was swirl around and throw himself against the redhead. He couldn't do that though and he should shrug that hand off but he couldn't convince himself to move. "Ken are you okay?" The caring in his former lover's voice almost caused him to cry which made him so angry. What the hell was Aya trying to do? And why couldn't he convince his treacherous body to stop leaning into that thouch, begging for more contact? He turned around and glared at the redhead.  
"I'm fine!" Ken muttered with anger and stalked away. "Every thing is just peachy!" God, he sounded so bitter but he couldn't help himself. Aya was tempting him and he was too weak to resist which meant that if he had stayed he would have broken. He couldn't allow that to happen, not infront of the redhead. Yes, he was hurting badly inside but he'd rather die than let Aya see that! Suddenly he started running, pressing his hand over his mouth. He had to get to his room fast before he cracked completely. The backside of his hand sufficated his sobs as he stormed into his room and slammed the door shut behind him. Why was he such a cry baby? This was the second time that day that he had felt hot tears pour down his cheeks and all because of Aya. Ken threw himself on the bed and wept just like he had done that morning. He wanted Aya to comfort him like he was a child who had made a boo-boo on his knee. It was pathetic but that was what he needed and wanted. He might be a assassin, a grown up but there was a part of him that seriously needed to be taken care of, held and the redhead had given him that when they were lovers. Aya had protected him from reality, without knowing it probably, he had filled up the cracks in Ken's heart and then it had all been take away from him again. He couldn't stand the loneliness, the lack of Aya's arms but he would never admitt it, never. The brunette had pride and he would never accept that anyone, especially not Aya, felt pity for him.

Amethyst eyes closed and their owner sighed deeply. Failure, complete and utter failure. For a moment Ken had leaned into the touch Aya had provided and then it had all backfired on him. The brunette had sounded so bitter and angry, with every right of course. His former lover had walked away and then Aya had heard the sounds of running feet followed by the slamming of a door. He had went after Ken and now he was standing outside his room listening to the heartbreaking sound of crying. The brunette was crying his heart out and it was all his fault. Aya swallowed back his own tears and shook his head in sadness. It couldn't go on like this! Screw his plans, the pain Ken felt was gonna have to stop right away before it destroyed him, and Aya too for that matter. Trembling the redhead opened the door and walked inside. His former lover was curled up on the bed shaking with sobs. That was all the silent redhead could take. Quickly he moved to the bed and sat down as close to Ken as he could get, his hands gently caressing soft brown hair. He knew that the brunette could push him away but he was willing to risk anything at that moment, anything as long as those brown eyes stopped shedding tears. For a brief moment his former lover froze completely then he threw himself at Aya with a low scream that sounded like it came from a wounded animal. The redhead immediately wrapped his arms around the shaking form and pressed his face against Ken's hair. He wanted to say something but no words could make it past the lump in his throat so he had to settle for pressing the brunette as close to him as possible. His shirt was wet from Ken's tears but it didn't matter. Aya closed his eyes and drew in his former lover's smell. How he had missed that along with the feeling of that firm body pressed against his. Eventually the brunette stopped crying, he pulled away from the redhead and gave him a look Aya would never forget. Ken's eyes were nothing but brown pools of pain and longing as he stared at his former lover, then he got up and just walked away without a word.

~TBC~

Ken please give Aya a chance *sighs* Crying never takes away the pain and he wants to help you so badly *sniffles* Will Aya give up now? Is there no chance to make Ken see his true feelings??? Ja/Atsureki


	5. Chapter 4 Crying In The Rain

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst 

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice you hear inside your head sometimes.

Chapter 4. Crying In The Rain

__

I'll never let you see  
The way my broken heart is hurting me  
I've got my pride and I know how to hide  
All my sorrow and pain  
I'll do my crying in the rain  
---Crying In The Rain/AHA---

He was angry with his former lover but even more so he was angry with himself. Why was he so weak and pathetic every time he was near Aya? His body, or was it perhaps his heart, just refused to listen to reason. Whichever it was it needed to knit a net and catch a clue. Aya didn't love him, he just wanted him for sex and to ease his loneliness. It had never escaped Ken how much the redhead hated solitude even though he sought it constantly. Being alone was like a drug to Aya. He hated it but he couldn't stay away from it either. The brunette sighed and strolled into the park. When Aya had showed up in his bedroom Ken had wanted to push him away but he hadn't been able to. He needed the redhead desperatly so instead he had thrown himself at his former lover. And the silent man had pressed him close, comforted him, but why? The brunette frowned slightly. Why had Aya suddenly changed the way he acted? Was he asking for forgiveness? Well then he shouldn't hold his breath because Ken was not ready to forgive him yet. _Who am I kidding?_ he asked himself sadly. _If Aya told me he loved me right now I'd forgive him in an instant, I'd throw myself at him and never let go again._ Yes, he was that weak and it pissed him off so much. Tired he sank down on a bench and twisted his hands. He should go back to the Koneko but he didn't want to face Aya just yet. His heart was hurting so much and he needed the redhead to heal it but he also needed to survive which he only could do if Aya was far away from him. The wounds he had inside would never heal if he was constantly tempted by his former lover's presence. He wanted to run away but Weiss was his family, the only family he had left. And besides, Ken wasn't all that sure he could function without Aya. God, it was confusing him, tearing him apart. Half of him needed and wanted the redhead close and the other half desperatly needed Aya as far away as possible. It would be so much easier if he could just hate that man! But it was impossible because the love he had for his former lover ran so deep. Ken sighed and looked up at the gray sky. He didn't just love Aya, Aya was also a part of his very being. His body, soul and heart belonged to the silent assassin whom he had given his everything to. Feeling completely drained the brunette rose and started walking again. Sooner or later he would have to face Aya again but not right now, not when he was so weak. As the rain started to fall so did Ken's tears. _I'll do my crying in the rain from now on,_ he sighed sadly and closed his eyes.

Aya left the house and aimlessly started walking the streets of Tokyo. Omi and Yoji had taken over the shop but Ken had still not returned. The redhead was so very tired and he had given up. He would never be able to mend the damage he had done and he wouldn't try anymore, it just hurt too much. From now on he would stay away from Ken, avoid him the best he could. It wasn't worth struggling if the brunette just hurt more when he was close. Rain started to fall on him but he didn't care as he made his way through the park where he usually went when he needed to think. In the rain he could let his tears flow the way they wanted to since nobody would notice. He would have to get over Ken although he didn't want to. It was pointless to love him when all he ever did was hurt the brunette. Aya could deal with a lot of things but not the pain in those brown eyes, not the tears being shed because of him. The redhead stopped and stared at nothing as his eyes continued to fill up with the salty liquid that wouldn't wash away his own stupidity.

He walked slowly lost in thoughts and they were still lingering on the silent redhead who had been his lover. Lover? What kind of word was that anyway? Yes they had had sex but didn't lover imply something more? Ken let out a bitter laugh. Fuck toy was probably what Aya had seen him as? That hurt so much it caused the brunette to let out a low whimper. Was that all he had been? A simple fuck to take the redhead's thoughts off of things? _Why am I tormenting myself like this?_ Ken asked himself. What diffrence did it make what Aya had seen him as? The ugly truth was still that the redhead didn't love him! But a part of Ken refused to believe that there had been no love between them. Aya had been so gentle, so caring. What if his former lover just had a very hard time with words? Their silent leader had never been a vocal person. Suddenly Ken stopped. What if he had been wrong all along? What if Aya did love him and just hadn't been able to say the words? The brunette bit his lip and swallowed. If that was the case than he had… he had… ruined everything. Maybe Aya was hurting in the same way he was? Almost in panic the brunette looked around. His eyes landed on a tall figure dressed in black standing about 20 meters away.  
"Aya," Ken whispered. The crimson haired man was staring at nothing and his form wasn't as straight and proud as it usually was. _He looks like he's in pain._ Carefully Ken approached the man and observed him throughly. Rain was trickling down his pale face and his eyes were almost closed. The brunette frowned slightly and put his hand out. But it wasn't raining anymore. Shocked he stumbled away, almost falling over in his eager to get away from his former lover. Aya was crying. Ken ran faster and stumbled even more. Aya was crying. His feet slipped back and forth on the wet grass as he increased his pace even more. Aya was crying! He had made Aya cry. The redhead who never allowed his emotions to take over had been standing in the middle of the park with tears running down his face. Ken let out a sufficated sob and headed towards the house. _I made him cry, I hurt him,_ he chanted as he ran faster and faster desperatly trying to outrun the flashes of the weeping redhead that kept on showing up in his head. _I was wrong all along and I didn't even consider it._ He should have seen it though. Aya wasn't in touch with his feelings and he had been hiding them for so long. Hell even Ken had thought on several occasions that the redhead probably was so good at hiding his emotions that he even managed to hide them from himself at times. It was at that time his brain decided to play up the sceen that had occured when Ken left the room that night. Aya had said his name and if the brunette hadn't been so upset he would have noticed the way it had sounded. _Ken you idiot! He wanted you to stay and you still left him. He said your name with a voice full of hurt and you still left._ How could he have been so damn stupid! It had been the same in the kitchen earlier that day. Amethyst eyes filled with sadness and longing but he still hadn't grasped it. Why hadn't he seen what Aya had tried to show him with his eyes and actions? It was all so clear to Ken now. All the times he had looked into those violet orbs he had seen love there but his stupid head had demanded more. _Why didn't I see it before?_ the brunette sobbed to himself as he entered the house and ran upstairs. _He does love me._ It had dawned on him so suddenly it was tearing him apart. Like lightning from a clear blue sky it had struck down on him. He had thought that Aya was the one who was hurting him but he had hurt the redhead too by selling him short. Ken threw himself on his bed and shuddered. He should have known! Aya had stayed away from him which was the way he always dealt with things that hurt. And what kind of person was he when he had thought that the redhead was enough of a bastard to use him for sex? Aya who never touched anyone let alone touch them with the kind of caring and gentleness he had shown towards Ken. It had all been there but he had ignored it, missed it because his stupid ego wanted more.  
"I'm so sorry Aya," the brunette sobbed and hugged himself. Some part of him had always known the truth but he had ignored it and now the silent redhead was suffering because of it. _I'm no better than he is. I should have listened to what he meant instead of what he was saying!_ The taped soccer-games, the cooking, the gentle arms around him when he slept had all said 'I love you' but Ken hadn't seen it. He rubbed his stinging eyes and sat up. Did he still have time to right his wrongs? He had to talk to Aya, make him understand before it was too late, if it wasn't already. A part of Ken's heart screamed in joy. There might still be time for him to get the redhead back in his life, heart and bed. He would fight, he had to! With his mind made up the brunette headed for the living-room. The minute Aya came back he would talk to him! He had made a mistake by assuming he was weak while the redhead was strong just because they handled hurt in diffrent ways. A foolish mistake since he had seen how kind and loving Aya was on the inside, he should have known better. "I'm not giving up koi," Ken said firmly. "I'm not giving up you, I 'm not!"

~TBC~

Congrats Ken! You finally caught up! *deep sigh* I know it seems like it went way too fast from Ken thinking Aya used him to understanding that Aya loves him but I had to go with myself here. I'm hot-headed too and sometimes I make mistakes, jump into conclusions just like Ken did here and then when I least expect it reality jumps me and kicks me in the arse. So well there you go. No flaming me about it! Now will Aya let Ken explain or is he going to keep his distance??? Ja/Atsureki


	6. Chapter 5 I Never Meant To Cause You No ...

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst 

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts. This is probably the last chapter of this story ppl and it's short.

Chapter 5. I Never Meant To Cause You No Pain

Aya didn't know how long he had been standing in the park but the rain had stopped hours ago. His tired eyes were staring at the wet grass and his mind was complete chaos. There were so many things he wanted to do, say but it was too late now. He had failed and it hurt inside so much. The blame was his and his alone which didn't make it any easier but he was going to have to do something about the situation. With a deep sigh the redhead turned around and strolled through the now empty park. It was almost midnight and it was dark.  
"I'm sorry," Aya whispered as he kept on walking. "I never meant to hurt you." They were just words, empty words that meant nothing because they couldn't take away the pain he had caused Ken. He was just so very tired and he wanted the hurt inside to stop so badly. But he didn't know how. Didn't know what he could possibly do to end Ken's suffering and his own. The brunette was more important to him than anything else so he'd have to fix that first. He loved Ken so deeply but he couldn't have him, that had finally dawned on Aya. There was simply no way for him to repair the damage he had caused that night when he had failed to express how he felt. With words unspoken he had ruined everything and now he had to find a way to at least lessen the pain it had inflicted upon his former lover. But how? What could he possibly do to make Ken's life easier? Die? If that would help then Aya would gladly drop dead right then and there. How could he have been so stupid to allow his emotions to take over before he was ready to speak them? If he hadn't taken Ken into his bed all those months ago it would never have ended like it had. The redhead ran a shaky hand over his face and squeezed his eyes shut. He understood how badly the situation looked. Without ever promising anything solid he had slept with the brunette, not just once but several times. At one point he had even questioned if he had loved Ken the first time they had had sex or if he hadn't indeed been using him. To his relief the answer had been a firm yes, he had loved the brunette way before that. Suddenly Aya understood what he had to do, what he should have done as soon as he had realized how much pain he was causing Ken. With tears in his eyes the redhead pulled out his cellphone to make the call that would end the agony he had caused his former lover.

The house was silent, dark, as Aya slowly made his way up the stairs. He walked into his room and picked up a few things that he placed on the bed. Slowly the redhead pulled out a pad and a pen. On the crisp paper he wrote down six sentenses that he just couldn't get out of his head. Somehow seeing them on paper made it all so final. There was no turning back, no second chances this time. What he was about to do was the only thing he could think of that could help Ken and in time himself so he just had to do it. With a sad sigh he folded the paper and shoved it into his pocket. He looked around his room before he picked up the stuff that was lying on the bed and left. On his way to the door he stopped in the living-room where he already knew he would find Ken. He had known that the brunette was there the moment he stepped through the door. Carefully he approached the sleeping man and kneeled beside him.  
"I… I love you Ken," he whispered and felt how hot tears made their way down his cheeks. "I just wish that I could have said that to you while there still was a chance for us. But I hurt you so much just because I couldn't tell you how I feel. I never meant to cause you no pain, to let you down, but I can't take it back, I can't change what I did. I'm sorry, so very sorry." Trembling pale fingers ran through chocolate hair before Aya rose to his feet again. With an unsteady breath he turned around to walk away. His feet lead him across the room before they stopped. Unwillingly the redhead faced his former lover again. "Goodbye Ken," he almost whimpered and then he was gone.

He woke up on the couch and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. A glance at the time informed him that he had been sleeping almost the whole night. Ken frowned in annoyance. He must have missed Aya when he returned. Grumbling to himself he made his way upstairs and to the redhead's door. The room was empty and the bed was still made. It was 4.30 in the morning and Aya wasn't there, had probably never returned. Ken bit his lips and suddenly felt very uneasy. What if the redhead wasn't coming back at all? No, his former lover would never leave Weiß… But he couldn't be sure of that, not after having seen how Aya looked the previous day in the park. Where was he? Ken chewed on his lip as he trotted over to his own room. He had to find Aya so that he could talk to him but how? The redhead was extremly good at disappearing and did it quite often. With a sigh Ken curled up on his bed. This was all his fault for being so damn blind and stupid!  
"Don't let me lose him now," the brunette sighed, "I need him."

The whole day past without a single trace of Aya. Ken solemly stared at the darkening street as the bad feeling in his guts grew stronger and stronger. Something had happened to the redhead, he could feel it but he couldn't be sure of what it was. At 7:30 Manx showed up and Ken knew just by looking at her that something indeed was up with Aya.  
"Siberian a moment of your time," she said calmly and gestured to the mission room. He follwed her without a word even though the only thing he really wanted to do was run away. "Please, sit down." The brunette sank down and look at the woman before him.  
"Is he alive?" The question was barely a whisper.  
"Of course he's alive. But…" _No please no buts,_ Ken pleaded but said nothing out loud. "There is no more Abyssinian." The news hit him like a piano. "He's has been transfered away from Weiß."  
"Why?" Manx sat down beside him and sighed.  
"You know why Ken. I don't agree with his decision but it was his to make."  
"He left because of me," Ken mumbled and fought the tears, refusing to cry infront of her. A hand was placed on his arm and patted him lightly.  
"Don't take this the wrong way now but you shouldn't have pushed him Ken. He wasn't ready and I think you knew that all along." He stared at the redhead.  
"What the hell do you know about that?" Ken spat out and glared.  
"I have eyes Siberian," Manx answered softly and met his angry eyes calmly. "Believe it or not I care about you and Ran was always special to me." The brunette raised an eyebrow as his former lover was called by his real name. "He's hurting badly and this is the best way to fix it, or at least he thinks so." Ken said nothing "You might want this, he dropped it when I picked him up here this morning." Manx handed him a piece of paper and then she left him alone. Shaking badly he unfolded it and read the unsteady handwriting on it.

__

"'Cos I know, I know I never meant to cause you no pain  
And I realize I let you down  
But I know in my heart of heart of hearts  
I know I'm never gonna hold you again

Now I, I wish it would rain down, down on me  
Yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now"

Ken couldn't think, he couldn't even breathe. He had lost Aya, completely. The scribbling on that paper said it all. It was all over and the brunette didn't know how to deal with it but he would have to because his former lover, the man he was deeply in love with, was gone.

~OWARI~

First of all I just wanted to say, if you didn't recognize it, that the six lines are from I Wish It Would Rain Down by Phil Collins.

Um well I think I'm gonna pretty much leave it like this. I mean all fics can't end happy right??? If you know me at all you know there'll most likely either be more chapters or a sequel to this *laffs* I hate unhappy endings! *rolls eyes* And we can just let them suffer right? Oh well if you want more you know what you have to do. *points to the pretty button* Ja/Atsureki


	7. Chapter 6 Causing Hurt, Wanting Pain

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst. 

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts. Stuff marked * are explained at the bottom! 

Of course I couldn't leave it like it was so here's the next chapter. **Now I want to WARN fragile and innocent minds about this chapter!!! **There are some really messed up stuff in here concerning sexual stuff. If you can't stand ppl with slightly um messed up ways when it comes to sex you DO NOT want to read this okay!? 

And before I let you dig in I want to send a huge glomp and a ton of thank yous to **fei** who read this through and helped me so much! You are the best girl!! *glomps ya*

Chapter 6. Causing Hurt, Wanting Pain

He looked at his lover and sighed. The man in his bed was asleep but he wasn't peaceful, he never was anymore. Sometimes he wondered what the hell he was doing, how he could have allowed it to go so far. It wasn't like there was any love between them, at least not the kind of love that should exist between two people who slept together. But the broken man that shared his bed every single night needed him. Exactly for what he wasn't so sure of though, or at least he pretended he wasn't. One thing that he was sure of was the fact that their relationship wasn't healthy. What his lover was doing to himself, or rather forced him to do to his lover was anything but healthy. He sighed deeply and lit a cigarette. Silently he left his room and strolled down to the kitchen. More than anything he wanted to help his team-mate. Team-mate? That was a laugh. They were no longer team-mates since there wasn't a team to be in anymore. Two years ago there had been but not anymore. Their leader had left them and the man in his bed had fallen apart.  
"Why did you leave Aya?" he muttered and rubbed his face. No one answered of course but that question had bothered him ever since the redhead had disappeared. "You must have know that it would destroy Ken." A large part of him hated the redhead for what he had done to Ken but he didn't have all the facts. The brunette refused to talk about it, refused to even meantion his former lover's name at least while he was awake. At first he had seemed okay with the fact that Aya wasn't around anymore but he had slowly been falling apart, suffering in silence. He stopped smiling, his eyes lost their light and finally he had crashed, so broken that nothing seemed to be able to fix him again. A year after Aya had disappeared Ken was nothing like the person he had used to be. Manx had pulled the plug and Weiss was over since only two assassins were left. They had stayed at the Koneko mostly because they didn't have anywhere else to go. Months went by as he and Omi did everything they could think of to put the broken pieces that had been Ken back together. Finally one night a few months ago the brunette had showed up in his bedroom and begged him to make the pain go away. He sighed and pulled away from his memories for a moment. "I should have handled that diffrently, I know that now." But he hadn't seen any other way than to take Ken into his bed. And it had helped, at first. For a few weeks the old Hidaka was back but he soon learnt that it was just a mask, just a desperate attempt to survive.  
"Yoji-kun?" He turned around and smiled slightly at his youngest friend.  
"What are you doing up Omi?" The little blonde approached him and sat down on a chair.  
"Ken-kun woke me." Yoji closed his eyes.  
"I don't know if they're nightmares, he never remembers when it happens but it just keeps getting worse. Before it happened once in a while but lately it's been happening almost every night," he said sadly. He might not be in love with Ken but he cared deeply for the disturbed brunette just like he cared for Omi.  
"We both know who whatever they are is about though, don't we?" the smaller man asked evenly.  
"Aya. I just don't understand what went wrong there." Omi scratched his head and frowned.  
"I… I've been checking up on Aya ever since he left."  
"You have what?" Yoji asked sharply and raised an eyebrow.  
"I know you blame him for what happened to Ken-kun but I think it's a lot more complicated than that," the smaller blonde mumbled. "Aya-kun loves or at least loved Ken-kun very much so he must have had a good reason for leaving like that."  
"Don't you dare defend him Omi!" Yoji spat out with anger in his jade eyes. "He destroyed Ken's life! So don't you dare sit there and make up excuses for him! You're not the one who has to listen while Ken screams Aya's name for hours while he's crying in his sleep. You're not the one who has to pin him to the bed so that he doesn't hurt himself. You're not the one who has to… hurt him just because he forces you to." The lanky blonde shook his head and ignored the tears that fell from his eyes. Suddenly he let out a cold hard laugh. "I'm so fucked up Omi."  
"Yoji-kun… you don't hurt him." Green eyes met blue and narrowed.  
"You're too innocent Omi and sometimes that blinds you. I do hurt him, he wants me to hurt him. Your room is right next to mine so don't tell me that you've ever heard moans of pleasure come from him?" Yoji asked and lit another smoke. He didn't want to talk about that but he needed to. Omi was the only one he could talk to and he wasn't exactly a very good choice.  
"I um…" The little blonde blushed a deep shade of red and squirmed on his chair.  
"You know just as well as I do that he doesn't love me and I don't love him, not the way I should. Ken needs me to replace the hurt Aya caused him with something else and I'm too fucked up to say no. I desire him Omi, I lust after him and I want to own his body but I don't love him. Now tell me that I'm not fucked up, tell me that I don't hurt him!"  
"But I thought… Don't you two…" Omi went redder with each word he managed to get out.  
"Sleep with each other?" Yoji suggested calmly.  
"Well um yeah."  
"Sleeping together can be done in many diffrent ways Omi. There's making love, having sex, fucking and then there's what I do with Ken." He could see that he was confusing his younger friend.  
"I… eh I don't understand."  
"I hope you never do. I suppose you could say that I fuck him. Yeah that's a crude word but it doesn't have to mean that the act in itself is ugly. But that's beside the point. Ken turns me on, he teases me until I can't think straight and then he… I'm a man and when I get extremely aroused my brain shuts down, I do my thinking with my dick." Omi stared with wide eyes and his face red as a beet. "Ken knows that and he uses it. When he has me so far gone that I can't see pass getting myself off he…" Yoji pulled in a sharp breath. "He allows me to take him, fuck him if you want to use that word instead, but he never lets me prepare him, prepare myself. Have you ever had sex with a man Omi?" The petit blonde almost fell off his chair.  
"I… it… no…"  
"Well then let me tell you that if you don't get prepared and if you don't use some kind of lubrication it hurts like hell, it makes you bleed. Ken wants that."  
"How can you do that to him!" Omi growled, his eyes darkened with anger. "You are hurting him!"  
"I said I was didn't I? You don't understand Omi. I can't say no to him, I can't think straight when he's around. I'm just fucked up, sick. It didn't start out like this you know… At first it was gentle and good but it wasn't enough for him, he didn't want that from me. And don't for a moment think I enjoy hurting him because I don't! Afterwards he always breaks down and he clings to me like I'm some sort of a fucking lifeline. And I promise myself that I will never let him get to me again, never let him manipulate me into hurting him again. But it's not that easy and I don't know what to do. All I know is that it has got to stop before I kill myself. I can't live like this." The anger in Omi's eyes had faded when he saw devastation in the tall blonde's eyes.

Ken quietly left the place where he had been standing and walked back upstairs. Yoji's voice still echoed inside his head and it made him feel so guilty. Most of what the blonde had said was true. He did want to be hurt, wanted to feel pain but not for the reason Yoji had stated. It wasn't because Aya had hurt him, it was because he had hurt Aya and because he was consumed by the shame and guilt. He had tried, he really had tried to get over the redhead and just move on but he couldn't. His heart wouldn't let him nor would the guilt. What he needed were arms to hold him at night so that he could pretend that Aya was still there so he had used Yoji, he was still using Yoji. But it hadn't been enough. He needed something to wash away some of the shame and guilt and pain was the only thing that had worked even remotely so far. When his brain was occupied with suffering from physical agony it all faded even if it only was for a little while. It was just that every time he did it a new guilt surfaced. By giving himself to Yoji he was betraying his love for Aya and he was hurting the blonde. He was just so extremely messed up. The lanky blonde's desire for him had been there for a long time and Ken had always known about it but he had never even thought about acting on it. At least not until a few months ago when he understood that the pain inside wasn't going to disappear. It was so easy to awaken the lust in Yoji, to drive him so far that he couldn't even tell right from wrong. Ken bit his lip and crawled back into the bed he had left a while ago. He was more or less raping the lanky blonde or at least he was making his lover, if he could call the blonde that, feel like Yoji was raping him. It had to stop, it shouldn't have happened at all, but he needed it so badly. Even more so he needed Yoji to hold him at night, to feel a warm body pressed against his. He shook his head and closed his eyes.  
"Aya," Ken whimpered and hugged himself. Yoji was wrong about another thing. He did remember the nightmares he had, he remembered them all too well. The only thing he didn't know was if they really were nightmares. At first they had happened every now and then but now they came every night and he couldn't shake the feeling that they were something more than just dreams. Ken shook his head and rose again. Slowly he left the blonde's bedroom and headed back to his own. He searched through a drawer and pulled out a little jar. His fingers fumbled with the lid since he was so eager to get to what was inside. Finally he managed to open it up and shook out two white and grey capsules with a little pink M on them. These were his friends. Sonata Zaleplon*, sleeping pills. He swallowed them both and crawled underneath the blanket. They worked fast and hit him even harder since he insisted on taking two. It didn't take long before Ken was dead to the world in his drugged sleep.

Everything hurt as he stumbled forward. He just had to make it all the way home. Home? Where the hell was he? His brain was foggy and unfocused due to the massive pain it was dealing with so he wasn't sure. He allowed his feet to decide where he was going. For a moment he had to rest. Gingerly he opened up his coat to check the damage. He was bleeding pretty badly and he feared that it wasn't just on the outside. A cough caused him to howl in pain and his mouth filled up with something warm that tasted like copper. Blood. He spat it out and wiped his mouth. If he didn't hurry home he wasn't going to get there at all. With a grunt he got his feet moving again and continued to stumbled down the dark street. Home was somewhere around here wasn't it? He should have gone to his car instead but his brain wasn't really working properly. How could that mission have gone so terribly wrong? At least two of his five team-mates were dead and God only knew how badly hurt the others were. _Might as well make that three,_ he thought and pressed a hand across the wound in his side. He wasn't going to make it much further and he wasn't sure he would survive but he wanted to, he had to. Death was not going to claim him until he could say what he had to say to Him.  
"Ares, what's your status?" a female voice suddenly said in his hear. He ignored her and pushed himself forward. "Damnit Ares! Where the hell are you?" He still didn't answer. His new team didn't like him, not that he cared. He followed orders, killed and that was it. "Hades, do you have a visual on Ares?"  
"Um that's a no Hera. I think Ares was hit when the targets… killed Apollo," a man mumbled. He ignored him too and shook his head slightly. Yes Apollo was dead and he should be too. Tired of hearing the voices he pulled the earpiece out and threw it away. His team-mates didn't matter now, nothing did except finding Him. Finally he saw it. That house was so familier to him, it was home even though he hadn't lived there for almost two years. With his last strenght he staggered up to the door and weakly knocked on it. It took a while before it opened and he was greeted by a blonde.  
"YOU! What the fuck are…" The tall blonde was cut off when he quickly had to catch a falling body.  
"Ken," he mumbled before he gave into an exhausted sleep.

~TBC~

* Sonata Zaleplon is a real sleeping-drug which some moronic doctor put me on *huffs* You do not want to mess with these pills like Ken does here. And you most certainly don't want to take a double dose like he does. These dugs are known to cause depressions and shit like that so ppl stay away!! And if anyone wonders… I haven't touched mine *snorts at her doctor* Um well I have opened the thing and checked out what the capsules look like but that it! I hate drugs *grr*

Now, I know some ppl will probably find the stuff in here farfetched and twisted but it works in my head. Ken is not doing very well and he feels extremely guilty for what he did to Aya or rather think he did to Aya. In my book they're as much to blame for it. He uses Yoji to punish himself since Yoji has a little thing, um or a rather big thing, for him. And as you surely understood Yoji is not enjoying it but he does have a problem with controling his hormones in my book so there you go. *sighs* I am so gonna get flamed for this chapter *hangs head* 

Hm I wonder if I'm gonna let Aya die or not *ponders* We'll see what my lovely muse has up her sleeve… Ja/Atsureki


	8. Chapter 7 Drenched In Crimson

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst, blood and stuff. Not a very pleasent chapter and it's short! 

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts. "_Italic_" is something that someone said earlier and that is now remembered

Chapter 7. Drenched In Crimson

Yoji stared at the limp body he held in his arms. Aya was back. A part of the tall blonde wanted to shake him awake and beat the shit out of him but the blood that was drenching through his own clothes stopped him. Their former leader was badly hurt and his face was paler than ever. Yoji struggle to get a better grip and dragged Aya into the hall.  
"Omi!" It was late and the youngest one of them was most likely asleep. A few moments passed without any sounds from upstairs. "Fuck," Yoji muttered and half carried half dragged the redhead further inside. He took a deep breath and yelled as loudly as he could. "OMI!!" This time he seemed to have awaken someone at least and he knew it wouldn't be Ken. A very sleepy short blonde came almost tumbling down the stairs.  
"What's all the yelling about," Omi whined and rubbed his eyes.  
"Snap out of it damnit!" Yoji barked and pressed his hand against the place where he thought Aya was bleeding from. "Get some towels or something!" Blue eyes blinked away the sleep in them and landed on the redhead's face.  
"Aya-kun?" Omi asked with confusion before he hurried back upstairs to get towels and the first-aid kit.  
"Damn you Aya, damn you!" the lanky blonde growled as he carefully placed the limp body on the floor. He removed the coat and swallowed when he saw how much blood Aya had lost and that still was flowing from the wound. "Omi hurry up! And try to get Ken out of bed!" It took a while before his youngest friend came back downstairs with the things they would need. "We've got to stop the bleeding." Omi just nodded and pressed a towel to the wound. "I couldn't wake Ken I think he's back on the sleeping-pills again. Oh and I called for an ambulance."  
"Omi I… This doesn't look good at all," Yoji mumbled and glanced at his friend.  
"I know Yotan, I know," Omi said softly and sighed. The body they were working on moved and amethyst eyes opened slightly. "Aya-kun can you hear me?" The redhead blinked very slowly and seemed to be struggling with locating Omi.  
"I… I… Ken," Aya gasped and started coughing. His eyes glazed over with pain as blood ran down his chin.  
"Yoji-kun go upstairs and get Ken, now!" Omi ordered and gave the taller blonde a serious look.  
"Why?"  
"Because I think Aya is dying."

Omi pressed a new towel against the wound in Aya's side and fought against his tears. Yoji had left him a few minutes ago to fetch Ken and the smaller blonde was doing all he could to keep their former leader alive. The fact that Aya coughed up blood suggested that he was bleeding internally and the location of the wound meant that any number of his vital organs could be damaged. The floor under the redhead was covered in blood just like Omi himself. He wiped his forehead and painted his skin in crimson.  
"Don't die Aya-kun, please," Omi begged and switched to a new towel again. They were getting soaked way too fast. A part of the small blonde's head said that the redhead had come home to die but he refused to listen to it.

Ken sighed deeply and looked around. There was still blood on the floor where Aya had been the previous night. He swallowed with difficulty and tore his eyes away. His former lover had been wounded during a mission and even though the life had been slipping away from him he had managed to make his way back to the house. How Ken wasn't sure but he had made it. The brunette closed his eyes and stumbled into the kitchen. He could still hear the ambulance when it had come roaring down the street and the men who had stormed inside to help Aya. They had fought so hard but there wasn't much they could do. With the sirens howling through the cold night they had rushed his former lover to the hospital. Doctors had taken over and operated on the redhead for hours. Ken rubbed his temples. All over again he found himself in the white corridore where they had been waiting for news on their former team-mate and friend. A doctor clad all in white had walked up to them, asking if they were with Fujimiya-san. Yoji had said yes and asked how he was doing. The words the doctor had said still echoed through Ken's confused and foggy head.  
"_Fujimiya-san had lost a lot of blood and he had a ruptured spleen. We tried to stop the internal bleeding but we couldn't. I'm sorry but he passed away during sugery_." Ken had screamed in agony then. His whole world had crashed down around him. Tears started falling from his eyes as he relived it over and over again. Aya was dead. The pain was unbearable and not just because he loved the redhead so much but because it was his fault. He had driven Aya away, forced him to leave Weiß and therefor caused his death.. Guilt burned inside of the brunette as the room started spinning around him.  
"AYA NO!" he screamed and hugged himself. "Aya, no." A hand was placed on his shoulder and shook him gently.  
"Ken." It was Yoji but the brunette didn't react. Again he was back to when he had been standing at the top of the stairs. His eyes had been glued to Aya's limp body on the floor and on Omi who had been sitting beside him pressing an already soaked towled against the redhead's stomach. There had been blood everywhere, on the floor, on Omi, on Aya's clothes, on Aya's face.  
"Ken!" Yoji said with more urgency but still got no response, Ken didn't even really hear or feel him. He had almost fallen down the stairs and ended up kneeling on the floor next to Aya's head. For a brief moment his former lover's amethyst eyes had opened and looked at him. He had tried to say something but Ken couldn't hear him so he tried again. The brunette had leaned forward and pressed his ear against the redhead's mouth.  
"_I… I'm sorry Ken…_" Aya had managed to get out, "_I… I…_" He had been interrupted by coughs that sent more blood trickling down his pale chin.  
"_Don't speak koi, don't speak,_" Ken had sobbed and caressed the face he loved so much.  
"_Ha… have to,_" the redhead had insisted. "_Love… love you Ken. I love you._" And then the ambulance had arrived and Aya had no longer responded, had no longer been awake.  
"Damnit KEN! Come on!" Yoji yelled and violently shook the brunette. Brown eyes opened slightly and tried to focus on his lover's face.  
"AYA!" Ken screamed and shot to his feet.

~TBC~

Um don't have much to say about this chapter. *scratches head* Although I'm hoping to see you in the next one where some stuff will be explained. Ja/Atsureki


	9. Chapter 8 A Nightmare Comes True, Almost

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken, Yoji/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst.

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Ah some of my reviewers have begged or demanded that I should space up my fics so I've tried to do that with this chapter. That means that this ~*~*~*~*~*~* shows a change of scene and/or POV. Please let me know if you want me to make this a permenant look *deep sigh* It's more work but if you ppl feel it's easier when you read then I'll do it okay? Just lemme know ne? 

Chapter 8. A Nightmare Comes True, Almost

Yoji opened the door to his bedroom and looked inside. Empty? But he had left Ken there earlier that night hadn't he? The blonde frowned. No wonder Omi hadn't been able to wake the brunette up since he wasn't there. But where was he then? Sometimes Ken tended to wander out into the night without letting anyone know but the tall blonde had been downstairs the whole time. 

Quickly he crossed the hall and went into the brunette's own room. Ah there he was, sleeping, tossing and turning. Yoji sighed deeply. Ken was having another nightmare. Since he hadn't woken up he probably had taken some of the pills he loved so much. It was all that damned redhead's fault the blonde concluded and approached his distressed lover. Hands pounded on the bed, every now and then Ken even hit himself and then it came.

"AYA NO!" That scream made Yoji's blood ice over every single time. Ken sounded so scared, so sad and so desperate. "Aya, no." The next one was always a whimper, a plea filled with agony. The blonde placed his hand on Ken's shoulder and shook him carefully.

"Ken," he said softly and tried to wake him up. He had to get the brunette up and downstairs before… before it was too late. Ken whimpered again, pressed his head against his pillow. Yoji knew all of these moves for he had seen them so many times before. 

"Ken," he tried again a little louder but he still got no response. Sadly he watched as the brunette's face went through several diffrent expressions. Fear, sadness, hurt, love and then finally desperation and agony. He was sobbing now. Yoji had had enough and grabbed the shoulder harder.

"Damnit Ken! Come on!" he shouted and shook the brunette as hard as he could. Finally Ken opened his eyes. He seemed to have some difficulty with focusing on Yoji's face, most likely due to the nightmare and the fact that he barely was awake.

"AYA!" Ken suddenly screamed and bolted from the bed. His brown eyes darted back and forth while he gasped for air. "Where is Aya?!" Yoji shook his head to get rid of the shock. How did Ken know that Aya was there?

"Downstairs," the blonde finally managed to say. "He's… I… Omi's taking care of him." 

"He's dying, isn't he Yoji?" the brunette whispered and hugged himself.

"We don't know but… it doesn't look good." Without saying anything more Ken stumbled out of his room towards the stairs.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was all becoming reality. His nightmares were coming true. Ken hurried towards the stairs as his whole body screamed in objection. He didn't want to see it, he didn't want to feel the life escape from the man he stilled loved more than anything else. The stairs were before him now but he couldn't move anymore. 

Aya was lying on the floor just like in his dreams but not in the same place. Blood everywhere, covering everything. Omi was kneeling beside him with a towel pressed against the redhead's stomach. But unlike in his nightmares the towel wasn't drenched in blood, at least not yet. The little blonde turned his head slightly and looked at his friend.

"Ken-kun," he said softly and gestured for him to come closer. Ken remained frozen for a few more moments before he launched himself down the stairs. He almost threw himself to the floor beside Aya and lifted his head into his lap.

"Aya," he breathed out and brushed away crimson hair soaked in blood from the pale face. He wanted to say something but there was really nothing to say. Aya was dying, he knew it, could feel it. 

"I can't stop the bleeding," Omi mumbled and carefully removed the towel slightly. "And I don't know how much blood he's lost." Ken looked up and found Yoji standing beside the smaller blonde.

"That ambulance is taking its sweet time," the lanky man growled and kneeled down. "How is he doing?" Omi frowned and glanced at the brunette.

"I don't know. I think he's bleeding internally and his pulse is very weak but he's alive." His words had barely died out before the howling sounds of sirens cut through the air. Yoji got up and rushed over to the door. Two men came in and took over. They worked fast and soon had the redhead strapped on a stretched.

"I want to go with him," Ken begged, his eyes never leaving the limp body of his former lover.

"Okay, let's go we need to hurry!" one of the two men barked and started towards the door. The brunette grabbed a jacket and shoved his bare feet into a pair of shoes that later turned out to be Yoji's. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*

The hospital was diffrent from in his dreams. The walls weren't white and it wasn't quiet. A steady stream of people passed them by as they waited for news on their former team-mate. Yoji and Omi had showed up about 20 minutes after Aya had disappeared with doctors and nurses buzzing around him like bees. 

That was over three hours ago. Ken had barely moved the whole time. He just sat on the uncomfortable couch staring at nothing. Sure this wasn't exactly like in his dream but something told him that the outcome wouldn't change. He was simply waiting for a doctor dressed in white to show up and tell him that the man he loved was dead. 

"Ken, the doctor is here," Yoji said softly and pulled him to his feet. Brown eyes blinked slowly a few times before they started to see what was going on around them.

"I'm doctor Lee, Hidaka-san," A tall woman said and smiled warmly at him. "You're the one who came with Fujimiya-san, right?" Ken nodded numbly and prepared for the bad news. "You're friend was in a bad shape when he came here. He's lost a lot of blood and he has several broken ribs. One of those ribs have damaged his left lung which is why he was coughing up so much blood. I've operated on him and he is a very lucky man. The bullet didn't hurt any organs and I could remove it without complication. He's still sedated and I'd like to keep him that way for a while longer." Her words didn't quite make sense to Ken. What was she saying?

"Will he be alright?" Omi finally asked since it had become apparent to all of them that the brunette was in no shape to ask himself.

"It was critical for a while but he pulled through. He'll be in a lot of pain for some time but it looks like he's going to make it," Lee smiled and again turned to Ken. "You can see him if you want to Hidaka-san." The brunette nodded slowly and follwed her. Aya was alive, he was going to be just fine? 

Half way to the redhead's room Ken's body gave up. It had been through too much that night and morning and decided to take some rest since it was obviously not going to get it from its owner. With a yelp that sounded like Aya's name the brunette crashed down on the floor.

~*~*~*~*~*

His head hurt like a bitch and the smell around him was awful. He opened his eyes and grunted as sharp light stabbed them. Where the hell was he?

"Nice to see you awake again Hidaka-san," a perky voice said and someone helped him sit up. "How do you feel?" Ken grunted again and shook his head.

"Like shit," he answered sourly and searched his memory. A gasp escaped him when he remembered. "Aya?!"

"Fujimiya-san I presume?" The brunette nodded. "You're friends are with him now. I can take you to them if you want me to?"

"Yes please." The nurse with the perky voice smiled at him and waited until he could stand on his own two feet.

"He isn't awake yet but Doctor Lee thinks he'll come around soon." He was walking through a long corridor, the same one where he had fainted earlier. The nurse stopped infront of a blue door and smiled again. "You'll find your friends and Fujimiya-san in there." With that said she left him. Ken opened the door with hesitation. He wasn't so sure he wanted to see what was on the other side. That doctor might say that Aya was going to make it but he had in no way forgotten his horrible nightmares. 

He took a deep breath and walked inside. His eyes immediately landed on his former lover's pale face. They had cleaned him up and he was hooked up to several machines and a thin tube was secured behind his ears, going across his face and under his nose where it was feeding him oxygen. Ken swallowed and tried to convince himself to move closer. The only sound in the room was the constant beeping from one of the machines and it was dusky in there. Weren't hospital rooms normally lit with bright flourescent lamps? 

Omi was sitting in a chair next to the bed and Yoji was leaning against the wall. Ken's eyes traveled back to Aya and the bag of blood that hung to the left of his bed. Slowly he moved on until his gaze rested on his former lover's chest. He was shirtless but white bandages, spottet with blood here and there, covered his pale skin. 

The brunette shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He wanted Aya to wake up, he wanted to see those beautiful amethyst eyes opened. At the moment the redhead looked… dead. His skin was a ghostly shade of white and he had apparently lost some weight since he had left them. 

Ken approached the redhead slowly and with hesitation. His ears were focused on the monotone beeping that monitored Aya's heartbeats. As long as he could hear those he could be sure that the stoic man was still alive. Omi jumped slightly when he noticed the brunette but he didn't say anything. The taller blonde didn't say anything either but his green eyes watched Ken intensly. 

When the brunette reached the bed he stopped, too afraid to even touch the man lying there. He wanted to hold Aya, hear him speak, feel his skin but he was just too scared of hurting him. The three assassins all jumped when the door suddenly opened and a slender young woman came bursting into the room. 

"Ran!" she almost yelled and hurried up to the redhead's side. "Oh dear Gods not you too!" Ken stared at her with wide eyes. Who the hell was she and why was she calling Aya by his real name?

~TBC~

I'm sorry if I tricked you into thinking that Aya died *doesn't look the least bit sorry* But that was what I meant when I described the nightmares Ken had. This is why he was so afraid of them and why Yoji hates them so much *nods* And they almost did come true, ne? *shudders* But Aya is alive and I promise I won't kill him!! I wonder who that woman is? Had Aya been a bad boy? And what the hell is Ken gonna do now? Is he gonna try to work it out with Aya or is he gonna stay with Yoji? Oh and is Aya gonna be able to say what he wanted to say to Ken, whatever it was? Ah the joy of waiting *chuckles wickedly* Ja/Atsureki


	10. Chapter 9 Too Late?

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken, Yoji/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst.

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Chapter 9. Too Late?

Ken stared at the unknown woman who now clinged to Aya's hand. Who the hell was she? What was she doing there and how did he know Aya's real name? Her brown eyes were filled with tears as she kept on babbling.

"Ken?" He turned around slowly and looked at his lover. "You okay?" Ken didn't answer, didn't even know what the answer was anymore. He was so tired and so confused. Without pressing the issue any further Yoji wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. "You'll get through this Ken."

"Will I?" the brunette mumbled so quietly that his lover didn't hear him. 

"Um who are you people?" Ken ignored the woman's question and pressed his body closer to Yoji's.

"We were just wondering the same," the lanky blonde muttered and softly ran his hands over Ken's back.

"I'm Takiko," she answered flatly and Ken could feel her eyes in his back. "And you are?"

"Yoji," the blonde almost growled and tightened the hold he had around the brunette's trembling form. 

"I'm Omi," Omi mumbled from the other side of the room, "and that's Ken." Good he wouldn't have to answer himself.

"Hm, and just what are you doing here?!" At that Ken freed himself from Yoji's arms and turned around to glare at Takiko.

"What right do you have to ask us that? What are you doing here yourself?!" he snapped and narrowed his chocolate eyes. "How do you know Ran?"

"K… Ken?" 

~*~*~*~*~*~*

God how blurry everything was. He cursed inside and struggled to make out the vague figures that were melting together in front of him. His vision cleared a little and immediately three of the four people standing there disappeared. All his tired eyes could see was HIM.

"K… Ken?" he asked with uncertainty. Was the brunette really there or was his mind playing tricks on him.

"Aya." It was barely a whisper. His former lover came up to him but stopped about two feet away from his now outstretched hand. 

"Ran!" Suddenly the brunette vanished from his sight, blocked by a raven haired woman. _Move damnit!_ Aya screamed inside as his eyes desperately tried to see through her. "I was so worried about you! We thought we had lost you when you didn't answer." A small hand grabbed his and soft lips were pressed against his cheek.

"Ken?" he asked again. It seemed like his former lover's name was the only thing he could get out at the moment.

"Ran do you know these people?" _Yes damnit so get lost would you!? I don't want you here!_ the redhead muttered to himself and pulled to get his hand loose.

"Aya-kun who is this woman?" Amethyst eyes glanced to the right and found Omi standing there looking rather confused.

"Hera," Aya growled with annoyance and winced as his body finally had had enough with concealing the pain talking caused him. His face turned even paler and his eyes closed as he fought with the agony.

"You're hurting him! Let go!" a familier voice snapped and the hand that held his was removed. "Aya? Please open your eyes Aya." Obediently he did as he was told and met the concerned and angry eyes of his former lover.

"Ken," the redhead breathed out. "Hurts."

"I know, I know just relax. Yoji go get Doctor Lee."

~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Now do you mind telling me who the hell you are?" Ken glared at Takiko and refused to answer. He was NOT talking to the blasted woman!

"You're being rude," Yoji snorted and wrapped an arm around the brunette's slender waist.

"And you're little lover-boy there isn't? What right does he have to talk to me like that?!" Takiko's voice rose several octaves.

"Probably more right than you ever will so back off lady!" Ken sighed and leaned against the blonde's lanky body. He was so very very tired and deeply concerned about his former lover.

"Cute! Do you think he can answer for himself or is he too much of a whimp?" the woman sneered and glared at Ken.

"Okay that's enough from you! I don't care who you are but you better shut the fuck up!" Yoji snapped and his green eyes turned ice cold.

"How dare you?! Why don't you take your little faggot friend and piss off!?!" He couldn't take this anymore. All the screaming Yoji and Takiko were doing gave him a splitting headache.

"Shut up." The kept on yelling insults to each other without hearing him. "Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Ken screamed and pressed his hands over his ears. Yoji released him when he started screaming and took a step back. They all stared at him but at least they kept quiet. 

"Ken-kun?" Omi mumbled and approached his friend. "Let's go back to Aya and see what Doctor Lee says." The brunette nodded numbly and allowed the little blonde to lead him away. He didn't know how to handle this, what to do. Inside him was complete chaos and his tired brain just couldn't deal with it at the moment. 

Aya was awake and he would be alright, or at least the doctor said so but that didn't really solve Ken's problems. What did he feel towards the silent redhead who had hurt him so badly, who he had hurt so badly? What did he feel towards Yoji who had helped him so much, who he had taken advantage of? He just didn't know anymore. 

"Ah Hidaka-san." The brunette looked up and met Doctor Lee's gentle eyes.

"How's Aya?" Omi asked quietly and placed a hand on Ken's arm as if to borrow him some much needed strength.

"Fujimiya-san is weak and in a lot of pain but other than that he's doing as well as I could expect," she smiled calmly. "However I must ask you not to upset him. He doesn't have the energy to handle anything major at the moment." Ken swallowed. Was he to be considered something major? "Hidaka-san, he's asking for you." The brunette nodded but made no attempt to move.

"Go ahead Ken-kun, go to him," Omi said softly and gave him a little push. With hesitation Ken started walking and entered the room to face his former lover.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Aya let out a low hiss when the drugs finally kicked in and numbed the pain a little. Dear Gods how his body hurt. Every breath was agony and it felt like he had a truck sitting on his chest. He was tired too but he refused to succumb to the need to sleep before he could talk to Ken. 

First of all he had to say what he should have said so long ago to his former lover, then he could sleep, die, whatever, it didn't matter. A part of his brain was angry with Hera for showing up like that. He knew she was interested in him even though she disliked him so much. Aya stopped himself from snorting at the thought. 

Damn woman who refused to take the message he had so clearly given to her. His heart belonged to Ken, it always had and it always would even if the brunette didn't want him anymore. The door to his room opened and Ken came in.

"You were asking for me?" The brunette sounded strange, so unlike Ken. Aya studied his face for a moment before looking into the chocolate eyes that haunted him at night. The light in them was gone, taken away, stolen and he was the one who had done that. When he didn't answer Ken came closer but just as before he didn't come all the way up to the redhead.

"I need to talk to you," Aya said softly, still having problems with getting the words out without gasping. The brunette nodded.

"I'm here so talk." His voice wasn't angry it just sounded tired. 

"I'm sorry for the way I left." He got no reaction. "Even more so I'm sorry for hurting you so much. I never meant to, I just…" Aya's voice trailed off but Ken didn't say anything, he just observed his former lover. "I really thought you knew Ken." This was so hard. The redhead lowered his eyes and swallowed.

"Thought I knew what?" Ken asked slowly and cocked his head slightly.

"I know I should have told you, then showed you instead of the other way around but I… But I knew I would lose you Ken, I always knew, it was just a matter of when. And I didn't…" Unchecked tears trailed down his pale cheeks.

"What are you trying to tell me Aya?!" Ken asked harshly and the redhead quickly glanced up. Those brown eyes were confused, sad and a little bit angry.

"You thought I was using you and I wasn't, I could never do that to you Ken but I just couldn't say what I felt for you." Aya paused for a moment. "I… I love you Ken and I'm so sorry that I failed to show you, to tell you, that. It was never my intention not to say those words to you."

"I love you too, a part of me always will but it doesn't matter anymore. It's too late Aya, we can't go back. We have to move on and forget this." With those words the brunette turned around and left. Amethyst eyes shining with tears stared after him until the door closed behind him.

"I can't Ken, I can't move on and I can't forget," Aya croaked out to the empty room. "I love you too much to do that."

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ken slid down against the wall and to the floor. Why had he said that? Why had he pushed Aya away, again? He didn't know for sure. What he did know was that he still loved the redhead, always would but it wasn't that easy. 

If they tried again there was a chance that they end up failing not to mention that he would have to break everything off with Yoji and he wasn't so sure he really wanted that. He loved Yoji too, even if it wasn't the same kind of love that he had for Aya. It just felt like it was too late for them to find a way back to each other. Ken sighed deeply and hid his face in his hands. 

"I do love you Aya I just don't know if I'm strong enough to be with you again," he mumbled quietly. His heart objected by informing him that he might not be strong enough to be without the redhead either. He knew that that was true. The two years that had gone by had proven that much. Without Aya he was lost and incomplete but what guarantees did he have that being together again would erase that? 

He was too tired, too confused, to sort this out. All he wanted was… The answer that came to him made him wince. All he wanted was for things to go back to the way they had been before he had confronted Aya with his feelings. 

He wanted their relationship back the way it had used to be. His heart and soul wanted the redhead to hold him when they slept but he didn't know if he dared to hope for it anymore, if he could reach that far within himself. Maybe sometimes love just wasn't enough?

~TBC~

This story is falling apart right before my eyes. *sighs* It seems like I've lost my touch *laffs* My muse is not happy with me and refuses to help me with anything. *grr* OH well whether or not this chapter sucks here it is. I have no idea where to go form here but we'll see what happens, ne? Ja/Atsureki


End file.
